These days I feel like I am five years old riding in the back of our behemoth of a brown and white Chevy station wagon looking at the dirty white ankle socks above my beloved shiny white Mary Jane’s bouncing off the end of the seat.
I’m in my own world looking at the back of daddy’s head, his black hair slicked back neatly and Mama’s short tightly curled brunette bob showing above the high front seat. All is well in my five year old world. I can’t see the road over the seat, but I sit contentedly looking at mama and daddy, and out the side window. Hay fields and cows, familiar ranches of neighbors pass by which I feel assured I will see again on the ride back. I always do. I don’t know where daddy is taking us, but he knows where we are going and that is all that matters. Wherever we end up, we will be safe and he will get us back home. He knows the road and he knows the car and how to fix it if it breaks down.
Today, I am grateful I have encountered a faith and a trust in a Being much greater than Daddy, or I to drive this mad mad life and universe. This level of trust has been hard fought for. Trial after trial. Year after year of not trusting, not trusting. Fear, confusion, the fervent need to control, these are the opposites of Love and Trust. I only fathomed a few years ago that if I am not trusting this Mysterious Being’s planned outcome, not trusting the brilliant guidance, His map, then I don’t really love Him. That was a shocker for me (because quite frankly I didn’t like His map). Love requires I let go of my need to control and trust, trust requires love. This all feels very balanced and right and in all honesty, like I’m becoming more like my little five-year-old self. Child like trust brings a gift of peace and contentment. We all need this.
As my life has eased down the road and I have learned to lean into The One Who Knows…I realize (with great relief) all of my huffing and puffing, my hard and fast self made rules; my fervent fasting, piles of prayers, my church going and my serving and good doings, though not bad, were at that time sucking the life out of me and would never ever be enough. Somewhere along my guided straight path of trust and love, I’d turned off and onto the road of religion which got very deeply rutted and was disgustingly hard to navigate. Life is more difficult, if not impossible when I am at the wheel. Letting go has been a process.
I do not know where we are going, in all honesty. I know where I want to go, but not how to get there. This world I want to go to requires transformation, that I know, but the way to transformation, that place I have no map to. That is why I must let go. How does one become patient, kind and loving? Dad knows. He will drive me there.
I realized in this moment of surrender that there is One that can carry the weight of the world; my world and the world we all live in on His shoulders. Ancient script says the government is on His shoulders placed there by his Father; that government is as close as my life and as far away as DC or the farthest universe. So I cast and I cast and I cast my cares, my rules and my fervent trying to be good on this Strong One again and again and.... This Atlas, this God can handle my world and a world full of care casting. All of it. This kind of love does not have limits or require anything…the love of a parent for their child, this kind of love can move a child to want to please, can move a child to want to emulate their parent who is Love, Kindness and Peace. It is what truth and trust are made of. I feel loved by Jesus no matter what I do and this makes me want to be better every day. More loving, more patient, more kind. In all of these there isn’t a doing, but an allowing and a being.
Though I am not staring at the back of a seat, or out the side window, I am being driven somewhere and I only see partly and that dimly, I trust I am being driven to a good place. My Father, my heavenly Father, sees clearly. He is a confident ruler and driver and governs many universes in a single day. This little earthly excursion is nothing to Him. Important, yes, but not out of control. This very good Dad will make sure all works together to bring about the best outcome for all of His children. I trust His Government, His Love. Why then sometimes, do I get so up in arms about all the lies and injustices in this earthly government? I guess it is a natural human response to mess and so I will pray sincerely, but not pray from a sweaty heart of fear, but rather to pray from a place of peace, to Peace, let Him carry it, let God drive us to the places He has prepared us for and prepared for us and release the things out of our realm. He’s got this. His yoke is easy, His burden is light.
I can daydream and gaze out the side window at the rolling hills, the pastures and rivers. Even when it feels like things are going off the rails, once I get my barrings, I know they aren’t. I mean, maybe they are, but the wheels are going in that direction for a purpose. I can trust Him. We will be okay He’s a good off road driver. Truth is, I think this old world is wrapping up and no matter how much I wish we could go back to the good ol’ nostalgic days of living in what seemed like a snow globe of safety and beauty; I don’t believe we can go back there…or for that matter—that it matters because we are going on to the good new days. I do not know what that will look like, or even how we will get there. A new earth. A new globe. A better kingdom. One of Everlasting Peace. One thing we can all count on, is that this world we are living in today will not last. Everything changes. History repeats itself. These governments are not permanent and thank God for that!
But I believe there is a forever universe called Heaven that is not governed by men, but a good God King and that one, yeah, that’s the one I think we are all yearning for. Dad seems to be driving the world awfully fast these days. I think we will arrive soon.
I’m going to take a walk in nature and ponder this goodness...
~ things that matter~
A loving and kind family
Understanding that daily gratitude heals
Thoughtful friends who care for my son Zach
Being able to care for Zach myself at my age
Blue skies and copper and yellow leaves falling to the ground
A good chemical free cuppa coffee
Lunch being brought in (rare)
Being able to laugh at myself
Slow mornings
AND…
Yesterday, after a night of tending Zach, we happily loaded the pickup bed with tools and the back seat held jackets, balled up work sweaters and work gloves, a carafe of coffee and coolers of food. I trust we will make our destination and if we don’t, well, that’s okay. We drove for an hour and arrived safely at the ranch where we walked into the presence of some of our family and one hundred years of our special DNA. It all feels very nostalgic. An old place carrying old souls, old machinery and old buildings. We share this little vintage snow globe with family and God. As per usual, there are green fields, dogs running to greet us, goats bleating and cows mooing. Chainsaws ground away on black locust trees (three to be exact). Trimmers clacked together over decades of over grown lilac bushes as well as some red currents by grandma’s old gate leading into the yard, which desperately needs our attention. Before and after photos coming. How I wish everyone had a big family and a vintage ranch to go to every weekend!
Our massive slash pile burned so hot it incinerated anything we tossed in. We could barely get close enough to pile on the dead limbs. This white hot inferno reminded me of a few teachings in the Bible. God’s judgement will be fair and just. We can relax. Those driving in the opposite direction of Truth, those hurting others will have to turn one day and stare into the Fiery Face of Truth, “treat others the way you want to be treated.” That’s all.
On the ranch, in this quiet bubble, I only know my family, our shared history, God and that the whole green place, even the work is offering a level of deep healing and truth that I/we need and want. There is barely a thought of the goings on in a world filled with lies and greed, power grabbing and injustice. The people I’m with, the work or fun being had, that is all there is. There is tilling, pruning, clean up, dump runs, raking and fence building. We are having a good time as we make things better and we are aware that the fun we are having as we work together is given by God.
I am usually aware to a certain extent of the world’s troubles, the schemes and lies of those holding power everywhere that are coming to light. This knowing comes thanks to the internet, as television rarely has entry into our snow globe. This uncovering of lies isn’t pretty, but I’ve prayed for this. I’ve prayed that the whole ugly truth comes to light and I continue to pray for this. But I’ll admit, I don’t watch often, as I can get caught up in it and I don’t like going there. Anger, disbelief raises a flag of frustration, confusion and then I try to make sense of the lies trying to cover more lies it is a senseless situation. These are not fun feelings nor are they fruitful. This being caught up always brings me back to the need for simplicity. Pray, but turn off the noise, make a good meal, care for another, burn slash, clean a toilet or go for a walk. All is well when I get back to what is in front of me; the mundane. I recently read “there are times when solitude is better than society, and silence is wiser than speech.” Amen.
What makes sense is tending a son who can’t care for himself and working acres and acres that have not been tended for many decades. These things I know how to do. These things are grounding. Spending time in the presence of my beloved siblings, which also hasn’t been commonplace for many years as our adult lives took us away from our childhood and each other for a season. This tending, this coming together and loving and plotting for our future, this removes me from this fickle world that is…albeit filled with good people, it is also filled with rotting entrenched governmental systems, greed and power grabbing that may cause one to become, well, quite forlorn. It seems out of control; in a kind of group crazed-mania. When we do watch any type of news, the onslaught, the battering others with words makes me want to put on my tinfoil hat and happily walk in the opposite direction, back to the ranch, overalls and a good bowl of chili.
But in my other world; the world I live in daily, when the driver turns the corner by the mail boxes, all distress and heaviness is left on the roadside and all is well. There is no news except what we are looking at. The ranch stretches out in front of us and I see what is real, the green barely field, garbage that was piled is no longer there, the trees are getting trimmed, the progress we have made in bringing this ancient place back to life is something we can all be proud of, this makes perfect righteous sense. This matters. This is our world. This is work worth doing.
When there is no need to be driven anywhere, and I am here at home or on the ranch I am enough in these calm and peaceful spaces. I am glad there are plots on earth that reflect God, angels and the kind of Power that doesn’t corrupt. I need this reflection for myself and I need it for my family. I need it so I can breathe and remember; this world isn’t home. This confusion won’t last forever. We are here for a purpose and when we leave, we leave for a purpose. We need clean and clear spaces so that we are able to reflect pureness and light back into a troubled world. To be filled with what matters. Love. Love is our purpose.
On the ranch with my siblings, we work hard, we joke, laugh, poke fun and lift up the name of our beloved God and encourage one another. It feels a little like I imagine heaven to be. But what do I really know of heaven? I know peace crawls into our veins and grounds us here on this place. I know unconditional love rules. That is real, that is enough. We will love one another and tend what is ours to tend. The sun will shine, the birds will sing and our blood pressure, and stresses will level out as we soak in our Father’s love and in each other’s love. As we bath in nature, watch the cows and goats, pet the dogs and eat food from one another’s kitchen’s we will feel the import of this day and it will matter, it will matter clear into eternity.
Today’s simple living matters. You matter.
Until Next Time
Marmie Karen